I thought I was good

Five years ago yesterday, I got a call saying I needed to come to the hospital. Why did they call me? Why didn't they call Mom and Dad...so now I have to call them.
We meet in the emergency room and were told the news. He was gone.

Life as I knew it changed in a matter of seconds. Not only did I have to deal with the changes in my life, but nobody prepares you for the changes you have to witness as your Mom, Dad, friends and other family members adjust to this new loss as well.

So, here it is five years later and I'm good. I'm in a place where I'm thankful. I don't let situations that I can't control consume my mind. It's useless, you can be miserable, or you can accept it and be thankful for what is around you every second. And then she breaks down....on the side of the road. Emotions come from nowhere. Heartache, pain, yearning for the traditions we used to have five years ago. For her son and her husband (my Dad died 2 1/2 years later...that's another entry). I sit in silence, because I know there is nothing I can say or do help at this moment. So I sit. Through sniffles and tears and sobs...I sit...feeling useless and mad. And then we laugh. Because, really...what else is left? Especially, when your pulling your self together and you get so frustrated because you can't get your seat belt to work and you realize you already have it on.

We gather with family, we eat and we leave. Mom picks up a friend who is alone and I go home and take a nap. I'm good. But then something unexpected happened...I feel empty, like a soft shell of creamy skin surrounds nothing but a black hole on the inside. Wasn't expecting that feeling. It didn't even knock on the door. Just busted in and took away what I thought was good.

I had many places to go last evening and many friends I call family...it's not the same. I can't wear a mask and pretend it's better, so I go to the movies. Its wonderful, no one but the person beside me knows who I am or what I've been through. I know there is other pain out there, but I see smiling faces. I see an old man at the movies for the first time in 18 years I see a family movie night, father, son, mother and daughter. It makes me smile, it makes me thankful.


I'm thankful, for the memories. I'm thankful for knowing and understanding I'm not and my family and friends are not promised tomorrow. I'm thankful for witnessing new memories that surround this beautiful community of mine. I'm thankful for the laughter I share with my Mom even when she wants to scream with pain. I'm thankful for all the calories I wasn't supposed to eat yesterday. I'm most thankful for being able to feel the pain I'm supposed to feel even when it hurts...my heart and soul know...it needs to be released. I will not wear a mask and I'm so thankful for that.

I thought I was good...I wasn't.

Now...I'm good.

Heather K.