Just one second...

When Jess was first diagnosed
I was mad
I cussed....a lot
It felt good
I threw the F bomb around like it was my job
I mean...come on...there are worse things I could've done.

Throughout the past couple of weeks
I've slowly started to feel better

I'm a positive person
I smile for no reason...it feels good...try it.
I smile at others...it feels good and everyone likes to be acknowledged...do it.

I pray

I think positive thoughts

I laugh when I don't want to

But, I'm not naive
I do all these positive things, with a plan for the worst
I'm not good with unexpected situations
So I plan
I prepare my mind
my heart
for the unexpected

As I walked out of the room with Johnny
I turned around for one more "I love you"
I saw Jess
blue surgery hair net on her head
eyes lowered with a goofy smile on her face from the happy medicine
I started to cry

It's amazing how your mind can fill you with such emotion within one second
In that second
I felt scared
I felt out of control
I felt sad
I think the F word flew in there somewhere
I heard Johnny tell me to just cry

Of course the next thing we did was eat
Duh!!

Johnny took stuff to the car
and I sat here for about 15 minutes by myself
I smiled
I prayed
I planned

Nothing miraculous happened
Just a one second thought...
I'd rather be here, in this hot, stuffy waiting room, smiling to myself and strangers, than never knowing what it feels like to be me...or to love Jess.

In one second...
I felt ok
no matter what happens
everything will be ok

The texts
The FB messages
The energy and prayers are all felt and snuggled close in my heart
These will be shared with Jess when she is up and ready to listen to me, and she is alllllways ready to listen to me. She kind of doesn't have a choice...
Until then...keep the good thoughts flowing.

Now...excuse me, I've got some eavesdropping to do in this wonderful (did I mention hot and stuffy) waiting room.

I'll leave you with these beauts....

The Open Road

Jess and I took a little road trip this weekend

We soooo needed this

A time to break away and decompress

Not to mention I got to see my sisters

As I stared out the window

I thought about the silence in the car

Silence makes me nervous

This was different 

A comfortable silence

Six hours...that’s all it takes

It’s not that long

Six hours can determine the degree of your relationship

Will it last?

Do I want to do this again?

Is this nervous chatter? 

I’ve had to let one rip for like 3 hours now. (that’s really when you know)

I’ve been on a lot of road trips

with a lot of people

different people

I’ve road tripped well with some

and some 

not so well

Snippets of some of my road trips....

I learned how to harmonize to Holiday, by Madonna on this trip. Play, stop, rewind. Play, stop, rewind. Play stop, shit...rewind. (6 hours)

She almost hit 100 deer at one time. For real. (22 hours)

I rode in the backseat the whole time because they get car sick. But, we ate a lot of donuts, and talked the whole the time.  (12 hours)

We said the alphabet with cusswords. (10 hours)

We drove the wrong way on the interstate (24 hours)

I showed them my rapping skills (12 hours)

She almost killed us. She laughed so hard she almost passed out. Literally. (6 hours)

I held his nose while he slept because I was bored. God I miss this kid. (24 hours...every year)

We get closer every time we’re in the car. (1000’s of hours....love you Mom)

Not once did I get irritated on any of these trips (except for the horrible driving).  We talked, we cried, we smoked lots of ciggy’s (dang I miss those on road trips), we sang (badly), we ate crappy food. Memories were made. Friendships grew stronger.  After each trip, I knew... these people would be the ones I would grow old with.  

Jess and I have been on trips before

but today....she made me smile just knowing she was beside me

She learned how to dance (car dancing that is)

she sang

we laughed

We wrote

together

I typed 

she helped give me words

When we were done writing

I knew our story had only just begun. 

(6 hours)

The next time you aren’t sure about someone

Suggest a trip

It will go really bad 

Or

 it will go really good

Either way...

you have a story

Or you have both....

a friend for life and the beginnings of wonderful chapter of your book. 

It's actual and factual

Writing has always been a passion of mine. It feels so good to put words to paper. Words that are scrambled in my head and finally make sense when put together. Although I type most of my writing now, it feels good to actually write. I have my own journal for that feeling as well as words that are a little more personal. When my Dad fought his battle with cancer, one of his co-workers suggested I blog...for me...and to keep everyone updated on his condition. This blog kept me going daily. Emotionally I needed this blog to face reality and to feel...with each peck at the keyboard the emotions that were running through me. 

So...here I start another blog. On my personal blog that some know about and some don't. One that I don't keep up with, but now I will...for more than one reason. To help me with my feelings...to help someone that is struggling with similar feelings...for those that need something to read on their phone while on the toilet. Yeah...it's amazing the stuff you can learn on the throne. Let's start this first post with some facts. 

Fact: My girlfriend has cancer. 

Fact: Some of you are like, "wait, what??? girlfriend?" 

Fact: Some people might need to read this to continue. 

Fact: The above fact is old news. Therefore...moving on...Jess has uterine cancer and is scheduled to see the doctor to set up her full hysterectomy on April 15th. They are pretty positive this was caught in the earliest of stages and nothing has spread. A lymph node dissection will be done during surgery to confirm this. There may be radiation, there may not.  

Fact: I'm mad about fact number one. 

Fact: Through this blog I will write about anger...this will more than likely involve cuss words. I will write about fear, love, happiness and most of all truth!!! 

Fact: I encourage you to write back. Share your truth. Share your fears. Share your anger. Share your happiness. It's because of family and friends that I have survived the hardest, scariest times of my life. 

Fact: Positive thoughts...prayers...telepathic vibes...whatever weird awesome stuff you do...all is welcome and always needed. 

Fact: Jess is writing her own journey and you can follow here

Fact: My Dad said this every day with a smile, knowing the next day would always be better...no matter what. 

It's just Fact: 

Chicago

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever purchase Neil Diamond tickets.

But...JB is his number one fan...I still haven't figured that one out.

 So, being the BGE that I am...I got her tickets for Christmas.

Little did I know...it was going to be record breaking temps in the 100's and humid...what naturally curly hair always needs. And who knew we would sit in front of two oldies that made me show my KY redneck self.

Despite these minor irritations we had a great mini-vacation.

First stop...Aunt Steph's house for the 4th.

I'm from a very small family that fits around one table to eat...we all clean up and then we sit.

Getting together with JB's huge family is always a treat for me. There's always something going on somewhere...food galore...laughter and fellowship. And when you run out of rooms...you put your guests in this beaut.

I fell in love with this camper and now I want one stat.

We headed out early on Thursday morning with our smiles big and our music loud. 

I had a picture here...but I lost it. Shocker. 

So, here are some windmills.

Fascinating, no? 

First things first when going to Chicago....

FOOD

Duh. 

First stop...

Freddie's for a meat sammich

Now...let me tell you something...

are you listening...I mean reading?

DO NOT

let me repeat

DO NOT

park a mile away, walk to meat sammich place, eat meat sammich,

get meat sweats while eating said sammich and then walk back to car in 105 heat. 

I hope that piece of advice stays with you...my meat sammich almost didn't. 

You might get so sick you attempt to go down a street that you know you are not wanted on.

You then decide to get a pedicure, because you've walked so much your feet hurt so bad you need them wrapped in hot towels. 

Obviously, you need a beer afterwards and a little fine dining

And just so you know... we did NOT eat the stuffed peppers...as if!!!!

And of course...fuzzy Neil Diamond (I tried to get a good pic...really I did)

All and all...we give this quick trip two big smiles. 

Pride

Well....my first Pride was this weekend and I'll have to say, it was one of the best weekends I've had in a very long time.

The weather could've been better...and by better I mean...not 103 with a heat index of 106. I only felt like I was going to pass out twice. I became negative and was quickly put in my place and told to suck it up.

So I did.

People can be so bossy sometimes.

As we turned the corner, I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion

My first Pride...as a gay woman.

A place to celebrate LGBT people all around.

A place for gay Christians as myself to be surrounded by straight Christians and know that I'm loved and not hated.

A place to feel normal.

A place with no judgement

A place with no hate...no bullies.

For me...most of all...it was a place to close the door on the past 34 years and open the new door...the closet door if you will...to a whole new world.

I still have issues...Lord, do I have issues and I will always look through the peep hole of the closed door with a smile and beautiful memories...but my new world...my new world is mine. I create this world daily with what I want. My happiness...my people...my song...my story...noone else will take that from me....and I'm so damn proud of that...and me.

Running for the Roses....

A day for Mint Julep's

Big Hats....or Fascinator's if you're my Mom...

P.S. When your Mom tells you she has a red and black Fascinator and you have no idea what that is....don't freak out.

Good friends

l

Roses

Good Music

And a Super Moon to complete a super day

HK

Short and Curly....

Well folks...I did it.

I cut my hair.

A lot.

I donated most of it...so, if I didn't like it...at least I can feel good about the donation.

Good news...

I LOVE IT!!!!

Before....

Annnnnd.....now.....

Here it is straight....the one and only time you will see it this way.
Until the next time I get my hair done and decide I'll let her style it.

Now... I live on the corner of Short and Curley...

There's no way, I could post without showing you that...just laugh with me....will ya?

It's definitley different, but I love it and I can't wait to wear cute pins and bands and such, to spruce it up a little. Not that I've ever spruced anything up...but I sure give it my best...and really...that's all my country can ask of me...no matter what street I live on.