Just one second...

When Jess was first diagnosed
I was mad
I cussed....a lot
It felt good
I threw the F bomb around like it was my job
I mean...come on...there are worse things I could've done.

Throughout the past couple of weeks
I've slowly started to feel better

I'm a positive person
I smile for no reason...it feels good...try it.
I smile at others...it feels good and everyone likes to be acknowledged...do it.

I pray

I think positive thoughts

I laugh when I don't want to

But, I'm not naive
I do all these positive things, with a plan for the worst
I'm not good with unexpected situations
So I plan
I prepare my mind
my heart
for the unexpected

As I walked out of the room with Johnny
I turned around for one more "I love you"
I saw Jess
blue surgery hair net on her head
eyes lowered with a goofy smile on her face from the happy medicine
I started to cry

It's amazing how your mind can fill you with such emotion within one second
In that second
I felt scared
I felt out of control
I felt sad
I think the F word flew in there somewhere
I heard Johnny tell me to just cry

Of course the next thing we did was eat
Duh!!

Johnny took stuff to the car
and I sat here for about 15 minutes by myself
I smiled
I prayed
I planned

Nothing miraculous happened
Just a one second thought...
I'd rather be here, in this hot, stuffy waiting room, smiling to myself and strangers, than never knowing what it feels like to be me...or to love Jess.

In one second...
I felt ok
no matter what happens
everything will be ok

The texts
The FB messages
The energy and prayers are all felt and snuggled close in my heart
These will be shared with Jess when she is up and ready to listen to me, and she is alllllways ready to listen to me. She kind of doesn't have a choice...
Until then...keep the good thoughts flowing.

Now...excuse me, I've got some eavesdropping to do in this wonderful (did I mention hot and stuffy) waiting room.

I'll leave you with these beauts....